Family Changes
An early-morning post is rare for this Mama.... but since I woke up 5:15 am, contemplating life, love, and family, (and since this is the only time my house is still enough to think straight) I decided that I'd send my contemplations out into the internet's abyss.
Today, we adopt my daughter. MY daughter. It still seems so scary to think that 7 months ago, it was just my husband and I, with our 3 dogs and crazy basement-cat, living our lives and thinking we probably wouldn't have children. And then seconds later, not just one, but TWO children arrived at our home. And it's taken all 7 months (and it will take at least another 7) to figure out how this works.... how to be a family, how to love a stranger fully and completely, how to resolve conflicts with people that are not yet rational and that are short enough to kick your shins. In these 7 months, I have waivered. I have doubted, friends. I've questioned my abilities as a mother, wondered if I was skipped over in God's great handout of maternal instincts, and pondered the permanency of adoption. All of this questioning, wonderment, and pondering has left me at this one place....
I am happy. Sure, I'm frazzled, forgetful, disorganized, and usually very tired. But peace has settled in the midst of it all. HOPE has found its place in my heart. And love has found its place in my arms. Today, Taylor will become my forever love. Qualified as a mother or not, my fear is being trampled down because this girl is MINE. She's ours. And she's exactly what I need in my life. Her spunky, no-nonsense personality has a way of tip-toeing on my last nerve and breaking down the walls of my heart at the same time. At this very moment, I couldn't be happier.
Which brings me to the next big change for our home. The next reason that I found myself lying wide awake in the dark of my room, thinking about where to go from here. At this present moment, Cameron and Taylor's mother is being induced to give birth to her fifth baby..... and our family will be the recipient of this precious new creature. There are many details that are still unknown. Paternity testing? If the father is found, will he want the baby? If he doesn't, will his family? Will baby boy's mother get him back just after I've attached to him? Will I attach to him? What if it's not a "him" and I just spent $500 buying things for a "him" after getting the news last night? What if I'm never the same again after meeting him? What if that's a good thing....?
But, in the middle of my contemplations, I found myself sitting in the shoes of my children's mother. Her shoes have taken her on a difficult path through life. Yet, even through her trials and errors, I believe she loves her babies. And today, she gives me, another Mommy, her only daughter. For keeps, no take backs. The papers will be signed and her role will finally end. On the same day that she's forced to part with one child, she gives birth to another, only to pass that one on as well.
Over the months, I have felt many things about this woman... but right now, sitting in her shoes, I feel a deep sadness for her loss. So, as we rejoice today in the expansion of our family, I also say a prayer for this Mommy that is grieving. May her memory fade enough to let me in, and may her heart be comforted by the fact that she will always be the first "Mommy" that my children ever loved.
Today, we adopt my daughter. MY daughter. It still seems so scary to think that 7 months ago, it was just my husband and I, with our 3 dogs and crazy basement-cat, living our lives and thinking we probably wouldn't have children. And then seconds later, not just one, but TWO children arrived at our home. And it's taken all 7 months (and it will take at least another 7) to figure out how this works.... how to be a family, how to love a stranger fully and completely, how to resolve conflicts with people that are not yet rational and that are short enough to kick your shins. In these 7 months, I have waivered. I have doubted, friends. I've questioned my abilities as a mother, wondered if I was skipped over in God's great handout of maternal instincts, and pondered the permanency of adoption. All of this questioning, wonderment, and pondering has left me at this one place....
I am happy. Sure, I'm frazzled, forgetful, disorganized, and usually very tired. But peace has settled in the midst of it all. HOPE has found its place in my heart. And love has found its place in my arms. Today, Taylor will become my forever love. Qualified as a mother or not, my fear is being trampled down because this girl is MINE. She's ours. And she's exactly what I need in my life. Her spunky, no-nonsense personality has a way of tip-toeing on my last nerve and breaking down the walls of my heart at the same time. At this very moment, I couldn't be happier.
Which brings me to the next big change for our home. The next reason that I found myself lying wide awake in the dark of my room, thinking about where to go from here. At this present moment, Cameron and Taylor's mother is being induced to give birth to her fifth baby..... and our family will be the recipient of this precious new creature. There are many details that are still unknown. Paternity testing? If the father is found, will he want the baby? If he doesn't, will his family? Will baby boy's mother get him back just after I've attached to him? Will I attach to him? What if it's not a "him" and I just spent $500 buying things for a "him" after getting the news last night? What if I'm never the same again after meeting him? What if that's a good thing....?
But, in the middle of my contemplations, I found myself sitting in the shoes of my children's mother. Her shoes have taken her on a difficult path through life. Yet, even through her trials and errors, I believe she loves her babies. And today, she gives me, another Mommy, her only daughter. For keeps, no take backs. The papers will be signed and her role will finally end. On the same day that she's forced to part with one child, she gives birth to another, only to pass that one on as well.
Over the months, I have felt many things about this woman... but right now, sitting in her shoes, I feel a deep sadness for her loss. So, as we rejoice today in the expansion of our family, I also say a prayer for this Mommy that is grieving. May her memory fade enough to let me in, and may her heart be comforted by the fact that she will always be the first "Mommy" that my children ever loved.