To be quite honest, I'm not sure if our family is in an up or a down.... are we cycling back upwards after several months of horrible anxiety, behavior problems, and tears? Some moments I think we are. (How long do you consider a moment? If you say "seconds", you're about right.) Then there are moments where I think to myself, Oh no.... here we go again!!  I've long ago decided that I am no longer Bipolar Mommy, but that I just live in Bipolar Family.... guilty by association, I suppose. The ups and downs are pretty normal, I get it, although they are a bit extreme in our house. Emotions fly like kites in May around here, and behaviors change as frequently as my daughter changes outfits per day. It's all I can do to keep my head up some days (literally... this Preggy Mama is T-I-R-E-D!). So, as suggested by my dear friend, I am trying to find one positive thing about my family members per day. (And sometimes one is REALLY hard, so don't judge lest you walk a moment (seconds) in my shoes (which are going to soon be extra-wide at the rate I'm "blossoming"!)
     Some classic positive moments from this week:
     Let's start with the hubsters.... afterall, he's the easy one! One of the many positive things my husband has let me do this week is this: REST. He has seen my exhaustion, frustration, and near-psychosis and he has taken over many days of cooking, cleaning, homework duty, and Officer Dad patrol. There have been days when I came straight home from work and this man, God bless him, let me go to bed... for the entire night. He brings me medicine (the minimal amounts I can take), chocolate, and beverages. My sweet guy even jumped on phone-duty, calling my doctor and Rite Aid to help me get my prescription filled. Although I think the pharmacist was being extra helpful, as I was standing at his counter sobbing the day prior when they told me I was only eligible for one Zofran tablet. ONE. The kind man gave me three, accompanied by a gentle hug, and told me just to come back tomorrow in hopes that my prescription would come through. I feel blessed that my husband, and our pharmacist, have my back.
     Cameron.... well, despite the increased tears over everything-plus-the-kitchen-sink, he had a moment that made me think "Upswing!". As I picked songs for church this week, Cameron took it upon himself to clean the house. I use the word "clean" very loosely, because he did wash the dishes without soap, and he dusted by blowing on the furniture with great force, and he swept the entire floor via the tiny shop vac hose instead of the sweeper. But he made an attempt to do something that would make me feel happy instead of mad (these are two of the only emotions he comprehends at this point, so it was a big deal for him to choose "happy" for me). Kudos to Cameron for his extended moment in the sun!
     Taylor.... this one was a bit tricky. She made attempts to be nice, but ended up being mean in the process, so it was difficult to choose a positive moment for her, sadly. In the end, I decided to be happy with the fact that she made me laugh this week. Despite flawed behavior, she caused me to crack a smile as we drove down the road on our way home from gymnastics. Taylor announced very matter-of-factly:
     "Well, it looks like the road people are trying to catch mice again."
     "They're trying to catch mice??"
     "Yep, see all the mice traps on the road?"
     "Tay, those aren't mouse traps, those are reflectors on the center lane."
     "Well.... I don't know what those are, so I'm gonna just keep calling them mice traps."
     Alrighty then.... you do that! Goofball. And there was a brief moment in the sun.
     Isaac.... my little man is still coming to see us on the weekends, although I find that I miss him more and more with each passing day. The weekends that I was so grateful for in the beginning have become a reminder that I don't get to hold and kiss my baby every morning and every night. There are times when I see his biological dad while I'm working, or I hear something I wish I didn't about him, and my heart sinks to my stomach as tears flood my eyes. In one unexpected moment I go from "I think I'm ok" to "Oh my gosh, I'm dying.... yep, pretty sure I'm dying!" In these moments I let myself look at our pictures and videos of Isaac from the previous weekend... him learning to shake his head and make himself dizzy, him saying "No" with finger pointed and brow furrowed, him attempting to blow kisses. Each one makes my heart heavy and light at the same time. So, I busy myself by planning his birthday party. He turns One-year-old next week. October 23rd. Last year at this time, I remember sitting in that hospital room, holding his teeny-tiny self, and wondering what the future would hold for all of us. This year, I feel a solemn resolve deep down.... he's not mine, but he's not gone either, and I plan to have the best 1st birthday party for him, complete with all our family and church friends to pour love onto the little/big fella. And what was my positive moment for him this week? The open-mouthed slobbery kiss he planted on my face while he held my cheeks. I'm pretty sure he bit me too, but he's still getting used to his teeth, so I won't hold it against him! He IS my moment in the sun.
     Baby Bean.... So, Bean is apparently no longer the size of a bean, but is actually now a Kumquat. (However, Baby Kumquat doesn't roll of the tongue, so I'm sticking with Baby Bean for now.) This little tyke is giving me a run for my money already! What, with the puking and nausea, headaches and exhaustion and all... BUT, I have found peace inside of my belly. For the first month I was pregnant, I was terrified I was going to miscarry. Every other day, I was sure that something had gone terribly wrong. PS, don't read the internet while pregnant.... to find out that Mama's with PCOS have a super high miscarriage rate is soooo not a good read at bedtime! In order to ease my mind and heart, God chose to give me moment by moment pregnancy symptoms.... which sounds horrible, but is really an answer to prayer. With each dry-heave I gag on, I know my Bean is still in there, swirling around like a good little kumquat. And good news from my doctor.... apparently my uterus is much larger than an average woman's at this stage in the game (along with my everything else), so my kiddo is not only in there, but growing like a stinking weed! Go, Bean, Go!! Grow to the sun!
     Have I figured out today's positive moments yet? Uh.... nope. However, I'm positive that a moment will occur... even if I have to look really hard to find it. And if I still can't find one, I'll just re-read this post (through tears) before bedtime to relive the moments from earlier this week. Happy moments to all of you tonight, as well!