Assassins
There is a chance that I'm dying. It's sad but true, I'm afraid. With each passing night of less and less sleep, I've become pretty certain that everyone living in my house is an assassin . In fact, I'm so tired, I just had to Google how to spell "assassin" because after staring at it blankly for five minutes, I was pretty sure it couldn't possibly be spelled Ass-Ass-In, and yet, it is. I feel that there's a joke in there somewhere but I'm honestly too tired to look for it. Maybe it's the adult version of the Hokey Pokey or something... you put your assassin, you put your assassout, you put your assassin and you shake it all about? I don't know, but shaking anything sounds like way too much work right now. Anyways, these people, these ones who claim to
love me, are stealing away my very sanity - my health and wellness - one sleepless night at a time. Here are the reasons why I cannot sleep (in no particular order):
1) Throw up - And let me assure you, my oldest son's bed looked exactly as if he had thrown the puke up into the air and it landed, well, everywhere. I literally had to shower down the shower after he washed himself off because it was just that gross and sticky and omnipresent. Even after it was gone, it still lingered. It was like the house had soaked up the smell and just kept sweating it out in waves. Never having been one to get sick over someone else's vomit, this one did me in.
2) Bed-wetting - "I had an accident." Of course you did. It was only natural that after a full year of no accidents, the moment I fall asleep after days / weeks of barely any sleep at all that someone in my house would pee the bed. I blame myself for having believed that these days were behind us. Hello, Rubber Sheets... Welcome back, my friend.
3) Dogs - The wind changed! The house creaked! The neighbor dog is out! CAR! The garbage settled in the can! The baby stirred! CAR! I found a bone! I lost my bone! I dreamed of a bone! CAR! CAR! TRUCK! CAR! CAR!!! Yeah... why don't you go see that car up close? Real close.....
4) Trains - Oh my gosh, I can't even talk about it. All night. Every night. Trains chugging and choo-chooing until I want to use dynamite as ear plugs... but I can't, because then I couldn't hear the baby......
5) The Baby - Don't be fooled by his shy grin and ability to pull you in with his cute little sticking-out-his-tongue trick. Because my baby has decided that he doesn't want to be a baby. No. He wants to be a pancake. A regular flap jack. I know this because every night, all night, he flips from his back to his front, seeming to forget that he doesn't know how to flip back over yet. So he screams. I go in and flip him back over. He instantly flips back to his stomach. I go in and flip him back over. And we do it again and again and again and again, me pretending to be a giant spatula to his pancakeness. We do this until I finally give in and put him in bed with me, which would be fine if we didn't share our bed with a dog and a husband....
6) The Husband - SNORE. FART. SNORE. CLEAR THROAT. FAAAARRRRTTTT. SNORE. PUNCH WIFE IN FACE WITH FALLING HAND. ASK RANDOM QUESTIONS. IGNORE ALL PUKING, BED-WETTING, DOGS, TRAINS, AND BABIES. SNORE.
7) The Toddler - I hear sheets crinkling.... and a mattress creaking.... and stuffed animals falling to the ground. Wait for it..... "DADDY!!!" (Daddy is still snoring and farting and ignoring. Mommy is forced to punch Daddy until she is wide awake and he is barely conscious. Daddy goes into the toddler's room.) "MOMMY!" (I enter and Daddy leaves.) "DADDY!!!" Seriously, kid, this is not the time to play this game. (Choking sobs from toddler wakes baby. Mommy's heart starts to pound....)
8) Anxiety - Oh my gosh.... I just know someone's gonna wake me up as soon as I fall asleep.... No they won't, just calm down and close your eyes. Ok, I'll try..... crap, my heart won't stop pounding.... seriously, I really think someone's gonna wake me up again. You're being paranoid. Just go to sleep and it'll all be fine. But what if the baby flips over and I can't hear him because of the train and then he suffocates in the vomit that is EVERYWHERE? Dude, you really need some sleep, you're not making any sense. I KNOW!!!!!!!
Knock Knock. "Mom, are you awake?" come the whispers from beyond the door......
Assassins. All of them.
1) Throw up - And let me assure you, my oldest son's bed looked exactly as if he had thrown the puke up into the air and it landed, well, everywhere. I literally had to shower down the shower after he washed himself off because it was just that gross and sticky and omnipresent. Even after it was gone, it still lingered. It was like the house had soaked up the smell and just kept sweating it out in waves. Never having been one to get sick over someone else's vomit, this one did me in.
2) Bed-wetting - "I had an accident." Of course you did. It was only natural that after a full year of no accidents, the moment I fall asleep after days / weeks of barely any sleep at all that someone in my house would pee the bed. I blame myself for having believed that these days were behind us. Hello, Rubber Sheets... Welcome back, my friend.
3) Dogs - The wind changed! The house creaked! The neighbor dog is out! CAR! The garbage settled in the can! The baby stirred! CAR! I found a bone! I lost my bone! I dreamed of a bone! CAR! CAR! TRUCK! CAR! CAR!!! Yeah... why don't you go see that car up close? Real close.....
4) Trains - Oh my gosh, I can't even talk about it. All night. Every night. Trains chugging and choo-chooing until I want to use dynamite as ear plugs... but I can't, because then I couldn't hear the baby......
5) The Baby - Don't be fooled by his shy grin and ability to pull you in with his cute little sticking-out-his-tongue trick. Because my baby has decided that he doesn't want to be a baby. No. He wants to be a pancake. A regular flap jack. I know this because every night, all night, he flips from his back to his front, seeming to forget that he doesn't know how to flip back over yet. So he screams. I go in and flip him back over. He instantly flips back to his stomach. I go in and flip him back over. And we do it again and again and again and again, me pretending to be a giant spatula to his pancakeness. We do this until I finally give in and put him in bed with me, which would be fine if we didn't share our bed with a dog and a husband....
6) The Husband - SNORE. FART. SNORE. CLEAR THROAT. FAAAARRRRTTTT. SNORE. PUNCH WIFE IN FACE WITH FALLING HAND. ASK RANDOM QUESTIONS. IGNORE ALL PUKING, BED-WETTING, DOGS, TRAINS, AND BABIES. SNORE.
7) The Toddler - I hear sheets crinkling.... and a mattress creaking.... and stuffed animals falling to the ground. Wait for it..... "DADDY!!!" (Daddy is still snoring and farting and ignoring. Mommy is forced to punch Daddy until she is wide awake and he is barely conscious. Daddy goes into the toddler's room.) "MOMMY!" (I enter and Daddy leaves.) "DADDY!!!" Seriously, kid, this is not the time to play this game. (Choking sobs from toddler wakes baby. Mommy's heart starts to pound....)
8) Anxiety - Oh my gosh.... I just know someone's gonna wake me up as soon as I fall asleep.... No they won't, just calm down and close your eyes. Ok, I'll try..... crap, my heart won't stop pounding.... seriously, I really think someone's gonna wake me up again. You're being paranoid. Just go to sleep and it'll all be fine. But what if the baby flips over and I can't hear him because of the train and then he suffocates in the vomit that is EVERYWHERE? Dude, you really need some sleep, you're not making any sense. I KNOW!!!!!!!
Knock Knock. "Mom, are you awake?" come the whispers from beyond the door......
Assassins. All of them.