I'm not sure what to say about my children at this point. I mean, every parent blogger on the planet is posting about needing their kids to go back to school. And I, having completely lost my wits around 3-weeks into summer vacation, am now fully on board with year-round schooling. But to say that my kids need to go back to school is simply not doing the statement justice. It's not fully portraying the insanity that I'm experiencing hour by hour, day by day. The only real way to give you a glimpse into my current state is to give you real life examples of the questions I'm being peppered with every few MINUTES (please note, this is NOT an exaggeration)

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Child (it doesn't even matter which one… they're both equally mush-minded at this point): “Mom, are we getting out of the car while we're here?”

Me: “No, I thought we'd just drive to the post office and sit here in the van for a while. Then, just before we die of heat exhaustion, we'll turn around and drive back home. We may not even get out of the van there, either.”

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Child: “Mom, what's that?”

Me: “You mean this meat and cheese between two slices of bread? Yeah. That's a sandwich. And I'm pretty sure you've met before.”

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Child: “Mom, is that poison ivy on your arm?”

Me: “Nope. The first 40 times you noticed it and asked me if it was poison ivy, I was just kidding.”

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Child: “Mom, is the baby sleeping?”

Me: “Who, this baby? The one that's lying motionless in my arms with his eyes closed? No, I taught him how to play dead. Go get him a treat for doing such a good job.”

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Child: “Mom, when's lunch?”

Me: “What time do we eat lunch?”

Child: “Noon.”

Me: “What time is it now?”

Child: “10:00 am.”

Me: “Is it lunchtime?”

Child: “No.”

Me: “Is it lunchtime?”

Child: “No.”

Me: “Is it lunchtime?”

Child: “No…. Why do you keep asking me the same question over and over?”

Me: “Why do YOU keep asking ME the same questions over and over!!!!!!!!”

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Child: “Mom, what day do I go to gymnastics?”

Me: “The same day you've been going to gymnastics for a year and a half.”

Child: “Soooo…. What day?”

Me: “Did you look at the calendar that I made you?”

Child: “No, it's all the way over on the fridge.”

Me: “You mean the fridge that's 10 feet away??”

Child: “You're closer.”

Me: “I will quite literally cut my own legs off before I will walk over to that fridge and read your calendar for you.”

Child: “Isn't that being lazy?”

Me: “I'm going to give you a head start. Run.”

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Child: “Is this bowl clean?”

Me: “Yep. Pinterest showed me a cool new thing. It's called smearing food all over your bowls and then setting them in the sink. Nailed it.”

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Child: “Are you working on your computer?”

Me: “You mean this computer sitting here on my lap that I'm typing on as I stare intently at the screen? Not at all. I was just killing time before you wanted to ask me another question.”

Child: “Oh, OK, good. Can I have a popcicle?”

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Child: “What are we having for dinner?”

Me: “Well, since you're standing directly next to me and staring into the skillet where the hamburgers are cooking, I'm gonna say….. chicken.”

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Child: “Did I get all the food off my face?”

Me: “Did you literally just walk out of the bathroom where you stood there, washing your face IN FRONT OF A MIRROR, to ask me to look at your face for you??”

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Child: “Mom, where's Dad going?”

Me: “You know the big guy with the goatee is your Dad, right?”

Child: “Uh, yeah.”

Me: “And you watched him pick up his work bag, his keys, and his lunch box, right?”

Child: “Yeah.”

Me: “And he was wearing his work clothes, right?”

Child: “Yeah.”

Me: “And he said he'd be home from work at 6pm, right??”

Child: “Yeah.”

Me: “So where did he go?”

Child: “Work?”

Me: “Are you seriously guessing?”

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Child: “Mom, guess what? I know who the first president of the United States was… it was George Washington. He was the president over 200 years ago!”

Me: “Yep, he sure was.”

Child: “Who's the president now?”

Me: “It's Barack Obama now.”

Child: “So, when will it be George Washington's turn to be president again?”

Me: “……..?”

     Jeff Foxworthy called and he'd like to start handing out signs immediately. Teachers, may God have mercy on your souls.