What To Do When There's Nothing Left To Give

In life, we get many choices. One of those choices is if we want to be “all in” or not. We decide how much effort we are willing to exert based on the priority of needs we are presented with. Some people may choose to give 50% of themselves in any given circumstance. And I don’t judge those people. Not anymore. It is the Halfers that are capable of self-preservation – protecting those vulnerable, deep down parts by not giving their all.

Halfers know that by risking all they have, they could also lose everything. They weigh the pros and cons, list the checks and balances, and move on accordingly. This particular group knows how to hold back when necessary. They’re capable of watching as things that don’t work out roll somewhat easily off their shoulders. They’re able to rebound with speed and at least half of their reserved strength.

These people are survivors.

And then in life, there’s a second group – the group that makes the choice to go 200% in. The Doublers. These people are the ones that aim for the stars instead of the clouds. They give all of themselves in all of their exhibitions. When things go well, they double their strength and fly high until the next time they lose. And when they lose, they are left with nothing. They are broken and exhausted. There is no hidden reserve of care or energy, no speedy bounce back. Recovery is long and it is dreary and it is awful.

Doublers fight to the death, give away their last slice of bread despite their own hunger, and sweat blood. There is no self-preservation – no bodily armor to protect them as they live each day.

Doublers are not survivors.

I have no idea which category you fall into. You’re probably like most people… individual circumstances allow you to choose which team you will play for.

Grocery-shopping? Halfer. Math homework? Doubler. Making time with friends? Budgeting money? Resolving spousal conflicts? Your own personal health?

You see, there are no rights or wrongs. You pick your battles and choose to accept the consequences. Most of us tend to go halfsies on the smaller matters in our lives and double up on the main events, am I right?

Except here’s the problem. Sometimes, everything in life seems to be a main event. Sometimes, everything requires 200% of us. There are some of you reading this right now who feel that you are gambling so much of yourself that the consequences may even prove fatal. The risks are too great and you have no idea if you will survive.

Let me explain what a Doubler’s lifestyle may look like when everything requires them to be all in:

You are raising a special needs child. You are caring for aging parents. You are a work at home AND work out of the home parent. You have more bills than you have paycheck. You or someone in your immediate family has a life-altering health concern and doctor’s appointments are a full-time job. Your career is in a field that requires you to care for the physical/mental/emotional/spiritual health of other(s). You are married. You are single. You have a hormonal or mental health imbalance. Your children outnumber the adults in your home. You have therapies, sports, early intervention, Bible study, something that needs to be baked for charity, laundry that hasn’t been done in weeks, lab work, vet appointments, meetings, and grocery shopping all in the same day because you CANNOT serve ketchup and crackers with canned fruit 2 meals in a row.

Have I described you yet? Are you sitting there saying to yourself, Oh my gosh, I’m Doubling on EVERYTHING because there is simply no other choice! If you are, then you know you are playing Russian Roulette with your own sanity. You’re driving full-speed at a brick wall, believing that it can and hopefully will move. You’re holding onto a breaking heart so tightly, fearful of losing even just one small piece.

I know this because I, too, am a Doubler. Sure, I’ll go halfway when I can. When the house is only somewhat deplorable and I’m sorta sure we’ve got enough money in the account to put gas in the car… and even then, maybe I’ll only put in a few bucks, just to be safe.

But everything in life… it all feels so important. There’s so little that I can lay aside or put on the back burner. My kids with their mental illnesses, I can’t half that. My son with his kidney disorder and all the things that trigger it, that has to get my all. My advocacy for a foster child that was taken from me and placed into an abusive situation – how could I ever do only 50%? My husband, my church, my clients, the finances, my health, our family… who gets cut?

And what do we do when there’s nothing left to give?

I have faced this same dilemma so very many times. Because all the things in my life deserve more than all that I can give. And that is how I know that Doublers are not survivors.

They are world changers.

For every person that finds themselves so close to the fire that they can feel the heat burning their skin…

For every person who battles to the death for a cause that is noble or to save the ones they love…

For every person willing to lay themselves on the line in order to keep another life going…

You may be too exhausted to see it, but you’re changing someone’s world.

If you fought to keep your wits about you when your child was screaming in your face, when you hold the hand of someone as they lay dying in a hospital bed, if you never stop loving even when you’re being thrown through the wringer – then you are changing the world.

I know you’re tired, friend. So am I. I’m so tired it hurts. But take comfort in this:

“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this world’s darkness, and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore take up the full armor of God, so that when the day comes, you will be able to stand your ground – and having done everything, to stand.”  Ephesians 6:12-13

Picture from Central Christian Church

This is not just another spiritual cliché. I’m not here to boost anyone up with feel good words and fluffy analogies. But when your child is in your face, remember that it’s not him that you’re battling. And when you’re holding your loved ones hand as they near death, it is not their spirit that is dying. And when you’ve loved with your whole heart and feel that it’s been given back to you time and again, wounded and shattered… then you know you have done everything. You have doubled up, given all that you could, and fought against all that is wrong until you’ve taken your last step.

And when you can go no further, just stand.

Because the key to changing the world is doing all that you can, then stepping aside and allowing God to finish the fight.

Be a Halfer when you can, be a Doubler when you must, and rest in God always.

If any of this hits home with you and you're looking for some extra support, click here to read about joining the Mommyhood: Striving for Sanity Membership Program.

We Are ALL Called To Take A Stand

This is not my typical post… I normally focus on hope by encouraging parents, children, and system workers. But today, I cannot do that. I refuse to do that.

You see, I have been on all sides. I have been a child, a parent, and a social worker. I have felt fear, helplessness, and injustice while living through each of those roles. Whereas it is my heart’s deepest desire to see our system fixed, our governments united and focused on safety, I could not live with myself nor tolerate my own soul if I didn’t speak truth of this very brokenness It's in my hopes that by not staying silent, we will trigger change.

Fact: There are many systems at play when it comes to keeping people safe in our country.

Fact: Those systems are inherently forced to take the word of the other systems working alongside of them, even when evidence points elsewhere.

Fact: Our child welfare organizations are given large tasks, too few hours to complete them, and are backed into corners by insurance company protocols and antiquated laws.

Fact: Our law enforcement, commissioners, CYS offices, and district attorneys are inundated with a relentless supply of complaints, tips, and reports of abuse.

Fact: Because of all these well-meaning organizations and laws, our children are no longer safe.

If you’d like to argue any part of this post, feel free to contact me and I will invite you to come and live with me, record all my phone calls, and review all the data. I will show you that CYS has told me (and others) one thing, while telling the state police the exact opposite. Whether it’s falsifying data to cover up wrong-doings, being compensated to dismiss information, or just simply lying to cover up that they have missed the mark – I don’t care what the reason is, but I do know that by advocating for abused children, you stand the risk of being told that YOU’RE the one who is wrong… that all those things you have proof of, those things that you know for certain are wrong, cannot be correct because government officials couldn’t possibly do the things I’m accusing them of.

“Because it would be illegal,” I was informed.

It would be illegal, indeed.

I’m sure this is the first time the government has ever done anything “illegal” or “off the record”. I’m sure it’s the first time an agency has “corrected” documentation dates or “doctored” reports to appease supervisors or even insurance companies. I mean, if both of our presidential candidates (the people WE ELECTED into these positions) are being accused of unlawful actions, how dare we assume that our menial little county agencies could ever do anything corrupt or dishonest?

So then why does the local CYS system turn their heads when multiple eye witness reports are made, when schools and therapists and neighbors are all reporting severe abuse and substance use in a home? Why does the CYS worker insist they’ve had an open case with a family, when myself and another person were both assured just days prior that there was no case open? Why does CYS tell the state police that they’ve received one concerned citizen phone call when, in fact, they’ve received multiple reports AND numerous child lines? Where have the child lines gone? Why did they report that they sent a caseworker to the home instead of to the school as requested, when they were told repeatedly that doing so would endanger the children?

These are things I cannot answer. All I have are the facts. And my facts match those of the other agencies working to truly advocate for abused children. (For the record, I know many amazing caseworkers through CYS that would love to do their job in a way they'd see fit, but they're unable to due to our legal system). However, I cannot say the same thing for our local government. Tell me they’re too underpaid, but I’ve seen the salary list. I know otherwise. Tell me they didn’t have proof, but I presented it to them along with others in the community. And when a child ends up in the hospital, bloodied and with bones broken, tell me that they did all they could, because I will know for certain that “their best” consisted of little more than filling holes and covering their own behinds.

I am not a bitter woman. But I am passionate. And when a system allows children to be brutalized and repeatedly exposed to illegal substances, I couldn’t care less what anyone calls me. Because I will not go away. I will continue to watch, continue to listen, continue to pray.

My honest hope is that people get the help that they need, accept treatment, and find Jesus. But that’s a choice allowed to each person. What shouldn’t be a choice, however, is allowing innocent children to live in these conditions of fear and abuse. If we are okay with living in a society that is satisfied with that “choice”, then we are no better than the abusers themselves.

Until we all agree that we will not shut up, despite being told to stand down – until we all agree to fight for children who feel that adults cannot be trusted because they continuously refuse to listen to both their spoken and unspoken words – until we all agree that a child’s safety trumps a parents’ personal freedom of choice, our country will continue to fall apart.

If you see it, hear it, or suspect it, call it in. Call your local police, call child line, call CYS. Inform them all.

Together, we cannot be ignored forever.

#endchildabuse