If You Could Change One Thing... Do It

Have you ever wished you had the ability to change the world? I mean really make some drastic changes? Naturally, we all dream of winning the lottery (even those of us who don’t actually play) or of becoming successful for one reason or another. But those aren’t the kind of changes I’m talking about.

If you had the power to do one amazing thing for the world - one   completely incredible task that would change mankind - what would you choose? 

To cure an illness?

To relieve the suffering of the mentally oppressed?

To end war?

To make sure every orphan gets a home?

To eliminate the national debt?

To save each woman and child being trafficked for sex?

To bring equality across races and genders?

To change the educational system so that each child can learn the way he or she does best?

To preserve the arts?

To end animal cruelty?

To help every home across the globe Go Green and save the  environment?

To provide relief to those facing natural disasters?

To deliver each person from homelessness or hunger?

To change our society’s rape culture?

To create programs that better support our law enforcement?

To abolish all hate crimes?

To rid our neighborhoods of the perpetual cycle of abuse that currently plagues them?

To put an end to genocide?

To release all prisoners of war?

To completely change the human condition?

Which would you choose? When you take into consideration all the amazing things that could be done if we had the power to do them, which one would you choose? Which group of people would be worthy of saving? Which cause is more deserving than the others? 

And how would you make your decision? Would there be a pro-con list or would you take into account which change would effect the greatest number of people? Or maybe would you choose something that means a tremendous amount to you on a personal level - something that’s touched your life in a real way?

My guess is that if we polled 1,000 people, each one of those individuals would have a different answer with very few repeats. I would also wager that you and I may choose a different position depending on what day we are asked, depending on what circumstances we’re currently facing.

Does that make us enemies? Does it make the other causes less noble? Does it mean that we have no love in our hearts for any other movement? No. Of course not.

In recent months there’s been a very “all or none” mentality going on. Agree or you’re my enemy. Offend me and we are no longer friends. There’s such pressure to sign a petition, join a protest, head up a fundraiser, or “like” a Facebook status just so that those around us know we are on their side - because having different life goals has, in and of itself, become too controversial.

While we’ve been so busy getting all politically correct on one another, we’ve completely missed out on the fact that we have all been created for a purpose. And guess what? That purpose is not the same for any two people. There is only one of you. There is only one of me. And thank God for that. Because we’re all screwed up enough that getting our own jobs done is already hard, let alone with all this bashing going on from one another as we attempt to follow the paths that God created us for.

The beauty of creation is that we are all SUPPOSED to be different! You are capable of something that no one else is capable of. And it’s YOUR job to stand up and fight for your position. If you’re passionate about ending obesity in children, then that’s what God has put inside of you and He’s equipped you to help motivate the next generation to be healthy. 

So Do It.

If you’re up at night couponing until your hands are sore, then God’s created you to be a leader of financial responsibility to your children and your spouse. He’s given you the knowledge to see bargains and to grab them, spending your money on what’s important and not what’s frivolous. 

So Do It.

If you constantly feel the ache inside to visit hospitals and nursing homes, so that those toward the end of their lives never know the agony of loneliness, then God has created you to pour into those lives with everything inside of you. 

So Do It.

Is your mission more important than another? Of course not. Does the environment need our attention? Absolutely. Do black lives and blue lives and all the lives matter equally? One-hundred-percent YES!

So answer me this one question.

What are you doing about it? 

Because if you say “nothing”, then you’re part of the problem. You have to be doing YOUR part - the part that was created just for you by a God that can see the big picture. He knows which mountains need to move and He’s placed all the players in the correct positions. But if those players refuse to move, then so do the mountains. 

If you don’t do your part, no one will be there to pick up the slack for you. And if you think your part is to criticize and fight with everyone around you about how you don’t like their movement or their giftings, then REALITY CHECK... YOU’RE the problem!

Life was never meant to be about getting up each day, going to work, fitting in social calls, getting people from point A to point B, and then going to bed. Those are things we need to do, yes. But that’s not what life is actually about. So today, I challenge each of you to find your passion. To get off your computers, your phones, and your T.V.s and get on your knees to ask God exactly what you were created for. Because I assure you, there IS a reason. And it’s supremely important that you start living like it.

Jesus came for us all. He suffered and died for us all. He covered my sins and yours with blood that is so sacred, so pure, that it has the power to bind us to our Father and protect us from our deserved punishments. It’s through this amazing grace that we find the ability to rise above insults, to overcome petty disputes, to walk in love instead of hate.

Because at the end of the day, to do anything less is a waste of life itself. 

If I could choose any one thing to make the world a better place? It would be to put an end to spiritual death so that each person can live the life God created them to live.

So Do It.

Photo by Phanuwat Nandee

What To Do When There's Nothing Left To Give

In life, we get many choices. One of those choices is if we want to be “all in” or not. We decide how much effort we are willing to exert based on the priority of needs we are presented with. Some people may choose to give 50% of themselves in any given circumstance. And I don’t judge those people. Not anymore. It is the Halfers that are capable of self-preservation – protecting those vulnerable, deep down parts by not giving their all.

Halfers know that by risking all they have, they could also lose everything. They weigh the pros and cons, list the checks and balances, and move on accordingly. This particular group knows how to hold back when necessary. They’re capable of watching as things that don’t work out roll somewhat easily off their shoulders. They’re able to rebound with speed and at least half of their reserved strength.

These people are survivors.

And then in life, there’s a second group – the group that makes the choice to go 200% in. The Doublers. These people are the ones that aim for the stars instead of the clouds. They give all of themselves in all of their exhibitions. When things go well, they double their strength and fly high until the next time they lose. And when they lose, they are left with nothing. They are broken and exhausted. There is no hidden reserve of care or energy, no speedy bounce back. Recovery is long and it is dreary and it is awful.

Doublers fight to the death, give away their last slice of bread despite their own hunger, and sweat blood. There is no self-preservation – no bodily armor to protect them as they live each day.

Doublers are not survivors.

I have no idea which category you fall into. You’re probably like most people… individual circumstances allow you to choose which team you will play for.

Grocery-shopping? Halfer. Math homework? Doubler. Making time with friends? Budgeting money? Resolving spousal conflicts? Your own personal health?

You see, there are no rights or wrongs. You pick your battles and choose to accept the consequences. Most of us tend to go halfsies on the smaller matters in our lives and double up on the main events, am I right?

Except here’s the problem. Sometimes, everything in life seems to be a main event. Sometimes, everything requires 200% of us. There are some of you reading this right now who feel that you are gambling so much of yourself that the consequences may even prove fatal. The risks are too great and you have no idea if you will survive.

Let me explain what a Doubler’s lifestyle may look like when everything requires them to be all in:

You are raising a special needs child. You are caring for aging parents. You are a work at home AND work out of the home parent. You have more bills than you have paycheck. You or someone in your immediate family has a life-altering health concern and doctor’s appointments are a full-time job. Your career is in a field that requires you to care for the physical/mental/emotional/spiritual health of other(s). You are married. You are single. You have a hormonal or mental health imbalance. Your children outnumber the adults in your home. You have therapies, sports, early intervention, Bible study, something that needs to be baked for charity, laundry that hasn’t been done in weeks, lab work, vet appointments, meetings, and grocery shopping all in the same day because you CANNOT serve ketchup and crackers with canned fruit 2 meals in a row.

Have I described you yet? Are you sitting there saying to yourself, Oh my gosh, I’m Doubling on EVERYTHING because there is simply no other choice! If you are, then you know you are playing Russian Roulette with your own sanity. You’re driving full-speed at a brick wall, believing that it can and hopefully will move. You’re holding onto a breaking heart so tightly, fearful of losing even just one small piece.

I know this because I, too, am a Doubler. Sure, I’ll go halfway when I can. When the house is only somewhat deplorable and I’m sorta sure we’ve got enough money in the account to put gas in the car… and even then, maybe I’ll only put in a few bucks, just to be safe.

But everything in life… it all feels so important. There’s so little that I can lay aside or put on the back burner. My kids with their mental illnesses, I can’t half that. My son with his kidney disorder and all the things that trigger it, that has to get my all. My advocacy for a foster child that was taken from me and placed into an abusive situation – how could I ever do only 50%? My husband, my church, my clients, the finances, my health, our family… who gets cut?

And what do we do when there’s nothing left to give?

I have faced this same dilemma so very many times. Because all the things in my life deserve more than all that I can give. And that is how I know that Doublers are not survivors.

They are world changers.

For every person that finds themselves so close to the fire that they can feel the heat burning their skin…

For every person who battles to the death for a cause that is noble or to save the ones they love…

For every person willing to lay themselves on the line in order to keep another life going…

You may be too exhausted to see it, but you’re changing someone’s world.

If you fought to keep your wits about you when your child was screaming in your face, when you hold the hand of someone as they lay dying in a hospital bed, if you never stop loving even when you’re being thrown through the wringer – then you are changing the world.

I know you’re tired, friend. So am I. I’m so tired it hurts. But take comfort in this:

“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this world’s darkness, and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore take up the full armor of God, so that when the day comes, you will be able to stand your ground – and having done everything, to stand.”  Ephesians 6:12-13

Picture from Central Christian Church

This is not just another spiritual cliché. I’m not here to boost anyone up with feel good words and fluffy analogies. But when your child is in your face, remember that it’s not him that you’re battling. And when you’re holding your loved ones hand as they near death, it is not their spirit that is dying. And when you’ve loved with your whole heart and feel that it’s been given back to you time and again, wounded and shattered… then you know you have done everything. You have doubled up, given all that you could, and fought against all that is wrong until you’ve taken your last step.

And when you can go no further, just stand.

Because the key to changing the world is doing all that you can, then stepping aside and allowing God to finish the fight.

Be a Halfer when you can, be a Doubler when you must, and rest in God always.

If any of this hits home with you and you're looking for some extra support, click here to read about joining the Mommyhood: Striving for Sanity Membership Program.

We Are ALL Called To Take A Stand

This is not my typical post… I normally focus on hope by encouraging parents, children, and system workers. But today, I cannot do that. I refuse to do that.

You see, I have been on all sides. I have been a child, a parent, and a social worker. I have felt fear, helplessness, and injustice while living through each of those roles. Whereas it is my heart’s deepest desire to see our system fixed, our governments united and focused on safety, I could not live with myself nor tolerate my own soul if I didn’t speak truth of this very brokenness It's in my hopes that by not staying silent, we will trigger change.

Fact: There are many systems at play when it comes to keeping people safe in our country.

Fact: Those systems are inherently forced to take the word of the other systems working alongside of them, even when evidence points elsewhere.

Fact: Our child welfare organizations are given large tasks, too few hours to complete them, and are backed into corners by insurance company protocols and antiquated laws.

Fact: Our law enforcement, commissioners, CYS offices, and district attorneys are inundated with a relentless supply of complaints, tips, and reports of abuse.

Fact: Because of all these well-meaning organizations and laws, our children are no longer safe.

If you’d like to argue any part of this post, feel free to contact me and I will invite you to come and live with me, record all my phone calls, and review all the data. I will show you that CYS has told me (and others) one thing, while telling the state police the exact opposite. Whether it’s falsifying data to cover up wrong-doings, being compensated to dismiss information, or just simply lying to cover up that they have missed the mark – I don’t care what the reason is, but I do know that by advocating for abused children, you stand the risk of being told that YOU’RE the one who is wrong… that all those things you have proof of, those things that you know for certain are wrong, cannot be correct because government officials couldn’t possibly do the things I’m accusing them of.

“Because it would be illegal,” I was informed.

It would be illegal, indeed.

I’m sure this is the first time the government has ever done anything “illegal” or “off the record”. I’m sure it’s the first time an agency has “corrected” documentation dates or “doctored” reports to appease supervisors or even insurance companies. I mean, if both of our presidential candidates (the people WE ELECTED into these positions) are being accused of unlawful actions, how dare we assume that our menial little county agencies could ever do anything corrupt or dishonest?

So then why does the local CYS system turn their heads when multiple eye witness reports are made, when schools and therapists and neighbors are all reporting severe abuse and substance use in a home? Why does the CYS worker insist they’ve had an open case with a family, when myself and another person were both assured just days prior that there was no case open? Why does CYS tell the state police that they’ve received one concerned citizen phone call when, in fact, they’ve received multiple reports AND numerous child lines? Where have the child lines gone? Why did they report that they sent a caseworker to the home instead of to the school as requested, when they were told repeatedly that doing so would endanger the children?

These are things I cannot answer. All I have are the facts. And my facts match those of the other agencies working to truly advocate for abused children. (For the record, I know many amazing caseworkers through CYS that would love to do their job in a way they'd see fit, but they're unable to due to our legal system). However, I cannot say the same thing for our local government. Tell me they’re too underpaid, but I’ve seen the salary list. I know otherwise. Tell me they didn’t have proof, but I presented it to them along with others in the community. And when a child ends up in the hospital, bloodied and with bones broken, tell me that they did all they could, because I will know for certain that “their best” consisted of little more than filling holes and covering their own behinds.

I am not a bitter woman. But I am passionate. And when a system allows children to be brutalized and repeatedly exposed to illegal substances, I couldn’t care less what anyone calls me. Because I will not go away. I will continue to watch, continue to listen, continue to pray.

My honest hope is that people get the help that they need, accept treatment, and find Jesus. But that’s a choice allowed to each person. What shouldn’t be a choice, however, is allowing innocent children to live in these conditions of fear and abuse. If we are okay with living in a society that is satisfied with that “choice”, then we are no better than the abusers themselves.

Until we all agree that we will not shut up, despite being told to stand down – until we all agree to fight for children who feel that adults cannot be trusted because they continuously refuse to listen to both their spoken and unspoken words – until we all agree that a child’s safety trumps a parents’ personal freedom of choice, our country will continue to fall apart.

If you see it, hear it, or suspect it, call it in. Call your local police, call child line, call CYS. Inform them all.

Together, we cannot be ignored forever.

#endchildabuse

In My Heart - Always Four

Words can’t describe it, but sometimes I awaken in the night with a smile on my face. The smile comes from a faraway dream, one in which I was running my fingers gently through your curls or tracing your nose and lips in a way that only a mother can. In those foggy moments between sleep and awake, I listen to you tell me stories while I calmly rock you back and forth as I had a thousand times before. I dream that you laugh, that you run to me, that you remember me.

And then, as dawn wakes me from my sleep, I realize that you aren’t really here. My smile leaks from my eyes and down my cheeks, bittersweet memories making me wish I could close my eyes forever. Because when I am awake, I am reminded that I have not seen you face in a year - that I have not heard your laugh and your lispy words since that fated day last September. Your wailing pleas to stay with me were the last you uttered, and I failed you. I wasn’t able to let you stay. And little did we know that we would never see you again.

The pain that you may think I don’t love you, that I left you in your dire circumstances, is often more than I can bear. And yet thinking that you don’t remember me at all, well… that’s my own selfish fear. Yet I would rather you to have forgotten all of our memories if it meant that you were safe, that you were happy - that you were truly loved.

If I knew you were healthy and that there was nothing to fear for your future, I would gladly awaken to those tears each day. I would comfort your siblings with ease. I would hold your other Daddy without quite as much pain. But I don’t know those things. And my children don’t. And my husband doesn’t. We are tormented with the constant knowledge that you are so close, and yet we are helpless to save you.

I have given myself over to the fact that there are others that will never understand this loss. Many have reminded me, so innocently, that I chose this. I chose to foster. That I should have expected you to leave. But what I choose is to forgive their words. I know that they don’t understand what you go through, what you’ve seen. I know they have no idea the pain you’ve endured and how that pain has affected our family, as well.

They couldn’t possibly know. And then there are others who say that we should “move on, already”… like we are capable of pretending your existence wasn’t real – or treat you as if you are no longer alive and grieve you in a way that is impossible. But again, I choose to forgive because I know that those words are spoken as an attempt to ease our suffering – knowing that people are trying to help, even if they don’t know how.

I remember the day that I told a stranger how many children I had. For so long, I had four kids. It didn’t matter their status. Adopted, Foster, Pre-Adoptive, Biological – they were just terms that confused others. But there I was, in line at the grocery store. A woman told me how well-behaved my two kids were that had come to the store with me that day.

“How many children do you have?” she’d asked simply.

For months I had said four. I couldn’t bear to discount you, as if your lack of presence meant you no longer mattered in our family line-up. But on that day, the sadness was more than I could explain. And honestly, I know that she didn’t need to hear my story. She just wanted to buy her groceries and go home. And so I answered in words that sit clearly in my memory to this day.

“Three. I have three kids.”

I remember the look my daughter gave me as she tried to contradict my answer. I swiftly spoke over her and made quick conversation with the woman until it was time to take my bags and leave. Once in the van, I had to explain to a sobbing girl that WE still counted you in our family, but that others wouldn’t understand our story. I told her that we left you out of the equation for the ease of those around us.

But today, on the anniversary of your loss, I will not leave you out. I am aware that so many will read this – a handful will cry, some will offer words of condolences, and even more will interject more words of “let it go” and “you’re still struggling with this?”

But today is not about any of the readers. Just as we honor Memorial Day or September 11th, celebrating lives that were lost and allowing ourselves to sit with our grief without trying to brush it away to appease daily life, today is not about them.

Today is about you, sweet boy. It’s about you, and me, and Daddy, and Brother, and Sissy, and Wyatt. It’s about remembering you, whether it’s with laughter or with tears. Whatever emotion comes, I will face it and so will my children and my husband. We will look at your photos and watch home videos, sharing your memory and praying for your safety. And tomorrow, our “holiday” will be over, despite waking up with smiles that turn to tears as usual. And we will wipe the tears and go about our days, acknowledging you silently and lovingly as we pass your pictures on the wall.

But don’t mistake our silence. For you will never be forgotten, my child. You will always be one of us – one of my four.

I love you forever and always.

Mama

If Mom Ran For President

           The year 2016 will go down in history as one of the strangest and most controversial presidential elections of all time. I think it’s safe to say that, no matter which party you support, our country as a whole kinda looks like it’s playing a twisted game of Would You Rather…

            You remember the game from childhood, right?

            “Would you rather eat boogers dipped in gasoline or pluck out 10 nose hairs every minute for an entire day?”

           “Would you rather remove your own cornea with a rusted fork or pull off each of your fingernails with a pair of pliers?”

           “Would you rather chew on a ball of someone else’s hair for all eternity or have to dress like a member of Kiss for every formal function you’re invited to for the rest of your life?”

           Yeah, so that’s basically my take on politics… a big game of Would You Rather. So, instead of being bitter, I decided to create a new democratic party. The Mom Party.

           The Mom Party is a fantastic mix of all the other parties, minus all the stupid name-calling, lying, and cheating… because we all know our Moms would ground us for that kind of crap. And in honor of my newfound political aspirations, I decided to take a look at 20 of the most popular debates over the past several years and solve all the world’s problems, Mom Style.

           PS, for those who think women shouldn’t be allowed to run for president because we’d be “too emotional”, know that we wipe butts, don’t need a chauffeur, decipher daily lies, and sleep standing up… we don’t have time for emotions. And we’d do the job for free. Beat that.

           If Mom Ran For President – The Important Topics:

1)      Tough on Crime: Heck yeah, we’d be tough on crime! I’ve broken up more fights over senseless crap than the entire LAPD, and I don’t even get back-up, NOR do they let me carry a Taser. Ground the criminals to their rooms and don’t even let them think about asking for snack!

2)      Abortion: I firmly believe that a mother should only be allowed to kill her child after that child is born. (Too far? Too far. See Torture below.)

3)      Animal Rights: Yes. To all the animals that my children will ever see, the answer is Yes. We are practically running a zoo anyways, so every stray, missing-limbed, scraggly, flea-infested creature is basically welcome. We do not discriminate.

4)      Drug Legalization: Wait, for my kids or for me?? Ok, so for Moms, we should get coupons that reduce our co-pays for all anxiety medication. In fact, scratch that. We should get CASH BACK for taking our medications like good girls. And for our kids? After a birthday party, I would legalize Benedryl… you know, to help wean them off the hard stuff (ice cream and cake), but for recreational use, Melatonin should do the trick.

5)      Affirmative Action: I’m sorry, but there ain’t no one getting special permissions in this house over here. Whatever your race, gender, or favorite color, EVERYONE is scrubbing a toilet and taking garbage out for the same allowance, PERIOD.

6)      Homeschooling: Oh my gosh, NO! I mean, that should be left up to each individual household but, still… oh my gosh, just… No.

7)      Building a Wall: Only if we make the children build it. Heck, tire them out! Let them build it as high as they want, paint it crazy colors, and then just MAYBE they’ll sleep a solid 8 hours each night!

8)      Torture: Definition = Parenting. If they’re allowed to do it to us, shouldn’t we be allowed to do it to them? Well, I guess if we’re being presidential and all, perhaps we should limit it to only when it’s absolutely necessary… like when you have to figure out who broke the television and neither child will spill the beans.

9)      Term Limits: Yes. 18 years, MAX. Then, it’s time to help little Johnny find a house, apartment, nice van by the river, whatever. No matter how much he begs to stay and even “pay rent”… I mean, what can we do? It’s the law!

10)  Common Core: Burn it. Burn all the books, all the lesson plans, all the “studies”. Light the fire and I’ll provide the gasoline. Mothers of the world who have to help their children with homework while they cry and scream, You’re Welcome.

11)  Social Programs: Ok, so yeah… there definitely needs to be more. Like one where Moms can go to socialize with other adults and they’re not allowed to wear make-up, bring diaper bags, or talk about their children. Oh, and they can’t look good in yoga pants. BYOC (Bring Your Own Chocolate).

12)  Minimum Wage: For crying out loud, leave it where it is. I’m not raising allowances so my kids get MORE money for haphazardly taking out the trash and shoving their toys under their beds. And I’m certainly not giving them the chance to purchase even MORE toys that require batteries… because then we’d just need another social program that provides batteries in bulk to families across the globe. No raise. Problem solved.

13)  Gun Rights: My children are crazy so guns are gonna have to be limited to Nerf and Water. I will allow special permits for hunting video games if your child really feels the need to start killing things… but then again, maybe we need to go back to Social Programs on this one.

14)  Death Penalty: This should be reserved only for waking up Mom in the middle of the night for a non-emergent reason. If there’s not blood, puke, an intruder, or an asthma attack, know that you will be shanked on site.

15)  Going Green: I’ll be as organic as I can afford (I AM willing to run the country for free, if you do recall). I’ll turn off the faucet while I brush my teeth and I’ll recycle as much as I can. But just TRY to enforce kids shutting off lights when they leave a room. I dare you. We would have to increase our military spending to do so, and I’m pretty sure that the people would revolt.

16)  Free Trade: Uh, NO. It leads to Indian giving and “No Take Backs” being screamed at volumes that make my head split in half. There will be no trading, ever. Eat the sandwich that was packed by your own parents, I don’t care if it’s tuna fish on rye!

17)  Internet Censorship: This is obviously a must. There are too many crazy people out there putting crazy things on the internet just waiting for my crazy children to happen upon it. Minecraft Only, thank you very much.

18)  War on Terror: Daily. It’s called Motherhood.

19)  National Health Care: I feel it’s only humane to give Band-Aids to any child that’s bleeding, not just my own. And I will pull a sliver out of any finger, hold back the hair of any puker, and give an ice pack to any bumped noggin. But I will not give out my Epi Pen… that’s basically gold and ain’t no one affording that anymore!

20)  Changing the Constitution: I would like to add just a few amendments here, please.

A) We the people have the right to sleep for 6 hours each night…

B)  To use the restroom in peace…

C) To go to the store ALONE…

D) To shave both legs in the same shower…

E) And to pray that our children will one day rise up and call us blessed.

"As President of the United States of America, I promise to train my children to be productive citizens, I promise to hold other parents accountable when they are faltering and to lift them up when they are struggling. I promise to show love indiscriminately and, when necessary, let the punishment fit the crime. I would honor and respect each and every parent out there, knowing that they’re doing their best and that they probably just need a nap."

Because after all, shouldn’t we always want a Mom for the job?

Photo by https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GlwUPNS12iU

 #VoteMom2016