Comment

I've Eaten My Weight In Cookies

My body is apparently trying to rename Christmas as Bingemas....if I eat just one more Christmas cookie.... (well, I'd like to end that with "i'll barf" or "i'll just die", but in all liklihood, I'll simply enjoy it and keep eating). I spent the weekend making brownies and cookies for holiday parties, and I don't know how it happened, but it was a modern day 7-loaves-2-fishes miracle.... I just kept putting the batter and dough into the oven, and more cookies and brownies just kept forming. Between my miracle mixing bowls and my miracle measuring cups, I'm going to need some miracle pants (preferably ones with an elastic waist) to deal with this miracle gut I've developed.
To prove just how sick I really am, I actually felt ill from the smell of the baked goods and had to retreat to the basement to do laundry until the nausea passed. Any sane person would recognize this as their body's way of saying, "Hey, fatty, enough is enough for today. Pack it up and try again tomorrow." But since I'm NOT sane, my body said "Hey, you're not nauseous anymore! You should celebrate by eating more sweets until that little bit of regurgitation and stomach acid tickles the back of your throat... and even then, just wash it down with some milk until the moment passes and keep on truckin'!" And I was doing so well with the diet too, even on Thanksgiving.... I blame the Schwanns man (everyone needs a scapegoat, right??).

Comment

Comment

Little Coaster Eaters

As much as I like to blame my husband for things, this one I can't seem to pin on him. One of our little furry munchkins (HIS dog) has been chewing things around the house. Perhaps she's bored, maybe she's jealous, but either way, we know it's her. The other day, I came home to one of our new coasters chewed to shreds and strewn about the house.... naturally, we blamed her (well, I also blamed Pat for leaving the door open to the room where the coasters are currently residing... he took the brow beating rather graciously).
Today, however, I had to suck it up and take responsibility for my own lack of door closing, as well as for my own little furball. As I pulled up to the house, Milo did his usual move and ran to the window to see who had arrived (tail wagging, causing full-body wagging in the window... it's really very cute). Molly joined in, body wagging, thoroughly happy to see me, completely unaware that she has done something wrong.... as I stared at her through the window, my mouth dropped when I noticed that she didn't have a raw hide in her mouth, but one of our coasters with the letter "C" on it... a wedding present.
I tried scolding her through the window, but she just wagged away, so happy I was home. When I got inside, I took the coaster away and scolded her (which I'm pretty sure just confused the crap out of the poor girl; she rolled onto her back very submissively just before kissing/soaking my entire leg). I went to put the chewed coaster with the rest of the pile. But wait.... the rest of the pile was gone. Vanished. Shreds of little coaster parts littered the floor. She ate the entire pile of coasters (at least 8 were in that pile!).... they really do resemble her treats (in her defense) and I couldn't blame my husband (he wasn't even home). I saved the chewed coaster.... it was a wedding gift, afterall.

Comment

Comment

Jello Leg Syndrome

It turns out that the Rotten Eggs was a precursor to someone getting the flu today. After an upset stomach all morning, my hubby attempted to go to work, only to turn around and come right back home (stopping along the way, trying not to get sick in his truck). So we cancelled our plans for the evening and stayed home, lounging and relaxing until he felt better.
Strangely enough, lounging turned my left leg into jello. Seriously. How did I know that my leg was jello? Well, I started out standing, and I ended up on the ground, that's how I know. It must have been quite the sight. I literally took a step out of bed (and this is where the slippery wood floors and the super soft socks got the better of me) and my knee just stopped being a knee, leaving me to crumble to the ground. I stood back up and locked my knee (which worked wonders) and then I bent it to take a step and down I went. AGAIN! This occurred about 6 or so times. No pain, no problems when the knee was locked, the dumb thing just wouldn't work when it was bent! So I straight-legged it back into bed where my knee began cramping, so I decided to go with it and play lame for another hour and a half. Apparently that was my leg's way of telling me that I needed more television time, because after I watched a few more shows, my knee was ready to join the land of the walking again. And so our house is back to full health once more.

Comment

Comment

Rotten Eggs

"This must be what they meant when they said 'For better or for worse'", my husband said to me tonight. This was in reference to the foul stench that has been leaking from his behind for the past 24 hours. Now, I'm not one of those prissy girls that thinks farting is "ew, gross"... in fact, I think the act of passing gas is one of nature's greatest stabs at humor. I still giggle if my bum makes the sound of a duck, or if I leave a "silent but deadly" somewhere around the house. But tonight has changed the meaning of bad gas forever. What is currently taking place in my home can only be described as wrong, sinful, and volatile. I'm being assaulted by an invisible force that comes in waves every 10 minutes or so. It's as if my husband ate a dying animal that had ALSO eaten a smaller dying animal... and both of those rotting carcasses are seeping out of him in such a way that it should leave a color or some sort of liquid in it's place. It's so palpable, it's almost chewy. I just threw up a little in my mouth. If I don't live until tomorrow, someone please come look for my body.....

Comment

1 Comment

Stink Bugs

I'd like to know the life expectancy of the Stink Bug. I would also like to know what these things feed on, AND what their purpose on this planet is. It's the middle of December and my house is still littered with the things! I pulled out Christmas boxes today to put gifts in and there's a load of them living in my tissue paper.... if that's not gross, I find them floating in my water cup, in every corner of almost every room, and hopping around the rugs of the house (making a lovely crunching sound when you step on them). I have 3 dogs that adore catching flies but they won't kill a Stink Bug if their lives depended on it. The fact that these bugs are still alive this late in the year is amazing, especially because I have no idea what they're eating in my closet and on my rugs... they better not be laying any Stinky babies, that's all I have to say!

1 Comment

1 Comment

My Man Is Better Than Chocolate

It has to be said that my hubby is wonderful. He's like an ice cream sundae, topped with chocolate sauce and whipped cream.... he's not great for my diet, but he's really sweet and comforting:) For those of you that don't know it, my man is not a holiday fan, nor is he into socializing a whole lot... he IS happy cutting down trees, playing with a chain saw, and getting dirty in the cold. However, he also knows that I AM a very social person that NEEDS to get together with friends, play games, laugh, etc., and that I absolutely adore the holidays. So what does my better-than-chocolate-man do? He offers to go Christmas caroling (PS, he hates singing), see the Nutcracker (twice actually, because he saw it once (and hated it) with a client and then offered to see it again with me because he knows I like it), participate in the Christmas program at church, and decorate the house. Now, it's no matter that we didn't go caroling and we never went to see the Nutcracker.... my man knew it would mean something to me to offer it. And when we don't have friends to socialize with (we ARE in the sticks, afterall), he offers to play games with me or do an activity together. So my husband can fatten my hips any day of the week, because his sweetness is worth it.

1 Comment

Comment

A Day For the Doctors

A word you never like to hear your doctor say is "lumpy". Think about it. Is there ever a context in which "lumpy" can be said in a positive light? "Sir, your cornea looks lumpy" or "Mrs. So-and-So, I'm afraid we've found a lumpy tonsil" or "I can assure you that everyone has a lumpy (insert body part here)".... it's never a good thing to hear. But today, I got told I'm lumpy by a doctor (which REALLY is a boost to the ego, if you can only imagine). This occured AFTER I was attacked by the good lab technicians at the local hospital. I really had high hopes upon entering the registration station... the gal was super friendly, sweet, and overall endearing. She cheerily sent me on my way to the witches that live in the dungeon that is known as "Outpatient Lab" without a warning of what was ahead. Not only are these the most unfriendly women I've ever met, but as I sat there awaiting my bruise, the next two people that signed in at the desk actually cursed while coming to take their seats in the waiting area! (We're talking some VERY rude and unfriendly service when 75-year-old sweeties are swearing at people.)
I'm finally called back into the room and the lady all but rips my sleeve trying to attack my arm with the needle to finish off my allergy testing for food. Not only have I NOT been able to fully straighten my arm for the rest of the day, but I also had the priveledge of experiencing irony on my arm.... yes, I was ALLERGIC to my allergy blood draw (well, to the tape they used to hold my bloody cotton ball to my throbbing arm, anyway). So, overall, I can honestly say that I wish I could've gone to work instead of taking my vacation day to feel like a lumpy, bruise of a human being.

Comment

1 Comment

A Romantic Surprise

It was an exhausting day. This may be due to the double dose of benedryll I consumed before bed (to offset the allergic reaction to the sushi restaurant from the night before), or the fact that I drove all day in a snow storm (leaving me tense, especially after I spun out in an intersection), or maybe it's due to the incredibly hard yoga class I had tonight (seriously, we're talking pretzel positions, back bends, and partial hand stands.... I thought yoga was supposed to be relaxing!). Nevertheless, when I finally pulled into the driveway, I was cold, wet, and shaky (re: spin out and hand stands).
I walked into the kitchen and find my husband (standing in a long sleeve t-shirt and long johns, which was funny and endearingly cute all at the same time) standing over a beautifully set table (nice napkins and fancy serving dishes included) and homemade sushi rolls, fresh green beans, blackberries, and tea. My heart literally melted (unlike my toes and fingers) as I saw the sweet effort he put in to make my evening lovely:)
To sum up: 1) No allergic reaction so far, and 2) I have the bestest hubby ever!

1 Comment

Comment

Sushi For Two

I have no idea how it's possible, but my picky eater of a husband loves sushi rolls. He has the pallet of a 6 year old, yet he can ingest raw fish quite happily. On our honeymoon, we participated in a sushi-making class which consisted of more tasting than anything, but we decided it's really quite easy, so we'll make some at home... except we live in the middle of no where and our grocery stores wouldn't DREAM of carrying seaweed paper or sticky rice. So we decided to try a new sushi restaurant tonight to get our raw needs met (get it? raw needs?), each of us ordering a sushi roll, clear soup, and a meal. Toward the end of my meal, I started getting a burning sensation on my toungue, inner lip, and under my nose... it started itching like mad and, as I sat there, scratching my tongue against my upper teeth, I realized that there's a very real possibility that my whole head could swell up at any second. So I was wiping under my nose with ice water and sucking on ice cubes, trying to get this weird sensation to go away as we drove to the nearest grocery store (in search of benedryl? Nope... we found seaweed wraps and sticky rice!). The itching and burning went down in my mouth from about a 9 to a 2, whereas my nose is still at a 4, as are my cheeks and jawline. But I'm just happy that we can try this all again tomorrow in the coziness of our own home.

Comment

Comment

Fat Cells

I had a bit of an emotional breakdown this weekend. The last few years of steadily gaining pound after pound catches up with me now and again, creating a weepy, snotting mess of a woman. So after this particular breakdown, I tried combating my mood with humor. Perhaps if I poke fun at myself (and my ever-growing fat cells) then maybe I'll accept where I am with my weight instead of feeling terrible about it all.
That's a great idea (some would say).... if my hubby wasn't feeling "intimate" I'd say something like, "it's because I'm fat, right?" (with a giggle). If he said I missed a spot cleaning up the counter, I'd respond with "Obviously my fat is starting to cloud my vision." We have been laughing and having a good time about it, and it's honestly making me feel better about my situation.... thankfully, my man knows better than to join into this game (minus the occasional jelly-belly comment, or pointing out that a bigger belly just means my boobs won't sag so much... which I'm still not sure how to take that one...). He has reminded me that he thinks I'm beautiful no matter what, and even if there is more of me to go around, he doesn't have to share me with anyone. (Insert "Aww".)

Comment

2 Comments

Flood, Quads, and Little Bits of Urine

For those of you that don't know, we live on a river. Now, this river generally flows at a mild to moderate speed and gets so low in the summer that our tubes get stuck on the bottom of the river when we try to float along (maybe this is because we're a bit chubby, but I have a feeling it's the water level...). With the recent rain, our slow-moving, low-level river turned into rapids and floods that overtook our road, making it near impossible to leave our yard. I was able to make it to work by wading through a shallower flooded area and turning up an old dirt, one-car road and taking it up and around the rest of Ellwood City, only to double back to go the other way to work.... unfortunately, by the time the river finished rising (while I was gone) our small escape route flooded over as well.
How did she get home (I can hear all of you wondering with nervous anticipation)?? Luckily, my husband's 4-wheel drive truck was able to make it home earlier that day, but wasn't able to make it back to pick me up at the end of our neighborhood.... so he suggests that we leave my car parked where it was and he would pick me up on the quad and take me home via the train tracks. Let me paint this picture for you a little bit more clearly. I, being a somewhat dim-witted woman at times, decided to sport holey jeans, a t-shirt, and a "sweater jacket" which kept me about as warm as an ice cube all day and did not make a great quad-riding outfit in DECEMBER! On the plus side, I had to pee like a race horse. Oh wait, that's completely NOT a plus side.
My nice man brought me a hooded jacket, scarf, and gloves for the ride home (which felt like a half hour with the wind racing against us, but only lasted about 8 minutes). I was shivering up a storm and couldn't help it when a little bit of my pee happened to sneak out in the cold... twice. That hasn't happened since high school! (I mean, Kindergarten?) All in all, we made it home and the roads were cleared by this evening for my traveling... and my underwear is in great condition, too.

2 Comments

1 Comment

I'm a Terrible, Sneaky, Cheat

Well, you might as well all know.... I was caught with my hand in the cookie jar. (Literally, this blog is actually about cookies.) I was at Walmart over the weekend and just trying to waste time as I waited for my pictures to be developed, and as I was browsing the photo frame isle (I wasn't even NEAR the cookies!) I saw a sign for candy-cane oreos. Really, how can a girl pass this up, right? However, I did just tell my husband to keep me accountable on the diet we resumed after Thanksgiving... but perhaps I can get them and only eat a few (she justifies to herself)? I'm weak and disgusting, so I bought them (eating half the box in the car ride home from the store) and I hid them upstairs in my closet. (If I left them in the pantry, it would just be tempting to him too, and I'm no Eve.... plus, he would just eat them all and I'm too selfish to share something that good.... I told you I'm terrible, just read the title.)
Tonight, I went upstairs to watch some tv and my hubby had left to go to the store for a few minutes. I took this opportunity to binge (ever so slightly) on the remaining treats hidden in my closet. I was down to the final two cookies when I heard the front door close. Quickly, I shoved the cookie I was holding into my mouth and hoped the last delicious nugget would blend into my nightstand so he wouldn't notice it. I lept off the bed, choking on dry crumbles, and ran to the other room, attempting to hide the cookie carton in the bottom of the garbage (one that only I change anyway). On my way back to the bedroom, I heard his footsteps coming up the stairs so I sped up.... my slippers slipping on the hard wood floor as I made the turn, nearly choking on the food in my mouth. He comes into the room just as I'm leaping into bed, feeling guilty and sure he will notice the brown gooey marks around my lips. No. The man notices (with his cookie-spying eye) the brown, camoflauged goodie on the nightstand and says (with shock and accusation) "What the heck is this!" I turned red and thought fast, trying to make up some believable story for the mystery cookie next to me.... should I deny it's presence? Perhaps I could tell him I found it behind the bed and hadn't thrown it out yet? I opted for the truth, leaving my silly justifications out of it. And then he ate my final cookie in one big mouthful, scolding me with his eyes. I told him how I almost fell and choked on the oreo. He thought it served me right.
I'm a terrible, terrible person.

1 Comment

1 Comment

My Big Panda

After going to the theater the other night to watch a kid's movie, we decided to stick with that theme all weekend... afterall, I was unable to move for so much of it that it just seemed best to stay on the couch eating leftovers and giggling at silly movies, such as Elf (a classic, really) and Kung Fu Panda. There's a million great references to my hubby and my eating habits, my clumsiness, and overall goofy natures during this movie... however, there is one scene toward the end when the big panda is lying down next to his teeny little Kung Fu master and the camera moves to an arial view. Out of nowhere my husband says, "hey look, that looks like you and I in bed!" I was really hoping that he wasn't referring to ME as the panda, but it was very clever nonetheless:)

1 Comment

1 Comment

A Pain In The Back

What I thought was simple PMS back aches and post-turkey day soreness has turned into full-on back spasms, tightness, and inability to bend the full way over without coming to my knees. Yet this did not stop me from organizing my husband's "man room", decorating for Christmas, and going on our date night (although after the first two activities, I required a portable heating pad and a man that could handle my constant gasps if I moved the wrong way.... and he did). We went to see the new animated movie called Tangled, the story about Rapunzel (which was really cute, by the way.... even if we're perceived as creepy for being the only adults there that DIDN'T have a small child with us). The movie was super cute, but our date night's completion was sadly given a rain check due to the spasming lower back. I'm very blessed, however, to have a husband that still considers it a good night when he sees a kid's movie with his wife:)

1 Comment

Comment

Thanksgiving

Have you ever had an ominous feeling, like you just know something is going to go wrong and you try to mentally prepare yourself for it ahead of time? I am SUPER familiar with this feeling, probably because I tend to have rather poor luck and God knows my OCD flares up without a heads up, so he sends me a mental warning so I can get ready for whatever is to come. Last night, hubby and I sat on our living room floor playing games for hours, laughing, having a great time. We were all snuggled into bed when my heads up arrived. Some may call me a pessimist, or a negative nellie, but when I woke up to dog puke all over the carpet, our picture window filling with rain water (on the INSIDE!), and our 5-day-thawing turkey still frozen, I stuck my proverbial tongue out at all of those who question my intuition.
Having prepared myself, however, I had a quick cry, cleaned everything up, and got to cooking. We had a wonderful day with our family, eating delicious food and enjoying each others' company. My man even tried everything I made (with the exception of the potatoes) and liked it! So overall, our first Thanksgiving together was a success, even if it was slow-starting:).

Comment

Comment

Boggle Pride

Generally speaking, I kick butt at word games. It's just who I am and I try not to brag about it. But really, it would be like Jennifer Lopez feeling guilty because she's beautiful... she just can't help it. Having this knowledge of my insane Boggle abilities, my husband usually refuses to give me the satisfaction of a game now and again..... but tonight, he was feeling badly for me because I apparently lack friends to hang out with, so he humored me and allowed me to cream him (round after round) until he was utterly tired of playing. However, he was down, but not out! I challenged him to a 10-round game of Dice (a passed down game in which the rules are still somewhat shady), and wouldn't you know it, he won (at a game with no skill and purely luck, but who's paying attention)! All kidding aside, I was grateful that my best friend chose to spend the evening neglecting what he wanted to do (chop logs up) in order to do something that would make me feel happy.... and guess what? It worked :)

Comment

Comment

Yoga Boogers

I managed to make it through the day fairly successfully, considering it WAS my first day back after the yucky flu. Around 3pm, however, I became rather tired, irritable, and my gums started to hurt (my classic sign that the infection still resides), but I was determined not to miss my yoga class tonight. So I sucked it up (and blew it out as the case may be) until my 6:30 class. As I sat in the warm hallway, waiting for aerobicize to end (yeah, it's really called that), all I really wanted was to curl up in that overstuffed, sweaty gym chair and fall asleep to the sounds of clanging weights and echos of locker-room banter. But no! I was not going to give into my base needs, not when my body had layed around collecting fat cells all weekend.
What I failed to consider before attending my class, was the fact that downward dog (along with all of the other downward poses that yoga entails) would, in fact, make my internal congestion become external. It was around the 5th forward fall that I had to start swallowing snot in order to prevent it from jumping out of my face and onto my mat. And once warrior 3 hit, I HAD to grab my kleenex.... and lets just say that I completely ruined the very serene atmosphere for the girls around me tonight. I sounded like all kinds of phlegm and boogery goo as I filled 3 tissues (skillfully missing out on tricep push ups). On the bright side, my yoga instructor seems to think that despite my nasal passage woes, I would actually benefit from becoming an instructor :) Ah, I make quite the impression.

Comment

Comment

The Flu Is The Yuck

After about 5 days of getting worse, I believe that today my fever broke and I'm heading upward toward the land of Health. I've been in the final stages of blowing, sniffing, and draining today, but my energy has come back (mostly). (That could be due to the fact that I was in bed literally from 2:30pm Friday until 11am this morning.) I was very impressed by my hubby's sweetness to me during my days of sickness. He cleaned the kitchen, loaded the dishwasher, and made me all my meals in bed (even going to get me my beloved ginger ale from the store). He rented me movies and checked on me often... I was very well taken care of. Although today I was in a nagging mood for some reason and jumped all over his case for every chair he didn't push in and every crumb he didn't wipe up.... He told me that he's SOOO glad I'm back to my old self :) (however, I DID feel bad for being grumpy and we made up). Back to work and a short week!

Comment

Comment

Rituals and Metaphors

I'm sorry, but all day trainings are for the birds. I spent 8 hours listening to a very odd woman talk about making rituals with families and using "creative" (slash CRAZY) metaphors with clients to help them look at their problems in a new way. I get that, really I do. But when we start bringing in Star Trek characters, the Wizard of Oz, and various food products, it really just gives me the giggles.... and it ALSO gives my co-workers the giggles too, as we lost our ability to control ourselves around the 7th hour. Thank God for other social workers that don't get too caught up in the over-analyzation that is our career!
After work I was able to go to a church meeting with my hubby and then watch ridiculously silly sitcoms while I nurse this flu/cold that has been attacking me recently. I think around Metaphor 218 I realized I had injested my last cough drop, but my hubby is doing a wonderful job of helping me relax and unwind from my day of butt kissing (I mean, engaging in very USEFUL training discussions). Time for bed:)

Comment

Comment

Everything But the Kitchen Sink....

It's just been one of those days where everything that can go wrong, has gone wrong. My man and I decided to try the same bed together again last night and, naturally, I was up most of the night. I had crazy weird dreams and just tossed and turned all night. Then, because it had rained last night, the ground was muddy and someone whom shall remain nameless kept letting the dogs back in with muddy feet (in his defense, he WAS wiping them off, but this was a time when we needed a bucket of water to wash them down), so I ended up in a huge row with him before work, making me late to run out the door. As I'm headed out the door, my boss calls to tell me that I hadn't entered my daily log into the computer from the day before and all logs were due today... she said she'd enter it for me, but that's rather difficult since I brought the log home with me. But I was in a hurry to get to the doctor's office for some allergy testing, so I thought, hey, I'll see if they'll fax it for me (which they did, as I waited 50 minutes for the nurse to arrive to do my allergy testing!... once again, in her defense, the receptionist never logged my appointment into the books, so she had forgotten I was coming in today). As a side note, please let me point out that EVERY time I walked out the door today, it began to rain (this happened 4 times).
As I sat there with my sleeve rolled up, I asked the kind nurse if this was going to hurt. "Oh, not hardly at all honey, just on the ones you're allergic to." Wouldn't you know it, I'm apparently allergic to everything but the kitchen sink? I got over 30 shots shoved into a 3 inch radius of upper arm.... on the 4th shot from the end, the nurse says, "Oh, I think you're more sensitive the further down your arm I go, I'll stick to up high." Oh good! I'm glad you figured that out SO CLOSE TO THE END!! On a bright note, I can roll in 3 kinds of mold and climb a tree without getting sick, but I'm pretty much allergic to everything from grass, to dirt, to dust, to pets....things that are airborne, things that are living, things that are stationary, indoor, outdoor, you name it! And next week, just for kicks, I get to see which foods I'm allergic to as well.
So I head to work, arm bloody and burning, only to have most of my appointments cancel on me, my boss have a PMS day, and I fell down the stairs at work... probably because my shoes were WET FROM THE RAIN! Time to call it a day before something happens to the kitchen sink, too.

Comment