There was a time in my life that I struggled greatly with insomnia. I would be awake for days without relief. Weeks would pass with no more than 2-3 hours of sleep; months would turn into blurry hazes as I stumbled from place to place, conversation to conversation, just trying to feel like a normal human.
And then I had kids.
Now, I live in a blurry haze, stumbling from place to place, conversation to conversation, just trying to feel like a normal human.... but I do it with the added benefit of sleeping, yet never feeling rested. I used to lie awake at night, willing myself to sleep... and now I lie in bed as the sun comes up, willing myself to wake up from my partial coma. Some call it insanity, some call it survival. I call it Motherhood. I almost crave the times that I could be awake in the night, unable to grab a little shut eye. Just think about that.... if a mom could manage to go all night with no more than an hour or two of sleep, think of all that could be accomplished?? It almost makes me giddy to imagine vacuuming my car at midnight, scrubbing the floors at 2 am, making a meal plan around 4, and then winding down with a good book before the kids wake up and it's time to start all over again (I have 4 books I've been meaning to read.... my end date is called "Graduation". I figured it better to make my goal realistic). Those years of sleepless nights spent fretting, glaring at the second hand of the clock as it noted each minute passing that I WASN'T sleeping while Chuck Norris droned on in the background about the latest fitness product being sold on the 10th infomercial of the night.... those years were filled with such wasted time! I should've been anticipating my future all those nights ago. I could have made soup to freeze for the time that I would have too many kids to make soup for. I could have mapped out the quickest way to fold clothes with a baby on one hip and a 7-year-old messing up the piles. I SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT ONE OF THOSE AB ROLLERS FROM CHUCK NORRIS!!!
But now, I don't even have the time to exercise. I don't have time to go out to dinner with friends. And if we don't schedule a date night once a month, I wouldn't have time for other "festivities" either. In fact, it's come to my attention that I have a more intimate relationship with my snooze button than I do my husband. The snooze button. What I once considered a ridiculous alarm clock feature, meant to promote laziness and annoying noise, used solely by the unambitious and unmotivated slugs of this world, I now consider to be my greatest coping skill / best friend. My snooze button fills a void in me that I didn't even know I had. It allows my still-exhausted mind to escape from the reality of morning in 8 minute intervals, which is sometimes the only escape that my full day will allow. I cherish those moments. I would Instagram those moments. (Don't judge, you people that take umpteen pictures of your DINNER every night. We get it. You ate. Here's your medal!)
And when I've finished dreaming of Chuck's luscious beard, and I've worn out the button on my snooze, and I've "showered" for work (I slept in... something had to be eliminated! Besides, I showered yesterday... wait, that was yesterday that I showered, right? Crap.), I pour myself a week's supply of Folgers, all creamed and sugared to perfection, and then I pray that traffic parts like the Red Sea for me as I make my journey to work, picking sleep from my eyes and rubbing pillow marks from my face along the way.
Then I work for 8 hours (just therapy... nothing mentally and emotionally exhausting or anything), come home, make a divine dinner... or chicken patties, clean up the dinner mess, attend meetings/sports/school events for the kids, do (I mean help) my kids with their homework, get them showered, snacked, and primed for bed, read them a book, say prayers, do tuck ins, and then I get to keep the baby up as late as possible so he'll sleep through the night (all the while prepping songs for church on Sunday morning, paying bills, picking up toys from around the house, pealing the dried boogers and baby food off my shoulders and out of my hair, doing my devotions, returning all the emails and texts I missed throughout the day, and sitting down to write.... my personal favorite!)
But do I accomplish all of these things? No. And why is that? Because I don't have insomnia. I have kids. That's why. Some call it insanity, some call it survival. But I call it Motherhood.
And then I had kids.
Now, I live in a blurry haze, stumbling from place to place, conversation to conversation, just trying to feel like a normal human.... but I do it with the added benefit of sleeping, yet never feeling rested. I used to lie awake at night, willing myself to sleep... and now I lie in bed as the sun comes up, willing myself to wake up from my partial coma. Some call it insanity, some call it survival. I call it Motherhood. I almost crave the times that I could be awake in the night, unable to grab a little shut eye. Just think about that.... if a mom could manage to go all night with no more than an hour or two of sleep, think of all that could be accomplished?? It almost makes me giddy to imagine vacuuming my car at midnight, scrubbing the floors at 2 am, making a meal plan around 4, and then winding down with a good book before the kids wake up and it's time to start all over again (I have 4 books I've been meaning to read.... my end date is called "Graduation". I figured it better to make my goal realistic). Those years of sleepless nights spent fretting, glaring at the second hand of the clock as it noted each minute passing that I WASN'T sleeping while Chuck Norris droned on in the background about the latest fitness product being sold on the 10th infomercial of the night.... those years were filled with such wasted time! I should've been anticipating my future all those nights ago. I could have made soup to freeze for the time that I would have too many kids to make soup for. I could have mapped out the quickest way to fold clothes with a baby on one hip and a 7-year-old messing up the piles. I SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT ONE OF THOSE AB ROLLERS FROM CHUCK NORRIS!!!
But now, I don't even have the time to exercise. I don't have time to go out to dinner with friends. And if we don't schedule a date night once a month, I wouldn't have time for other "festivities" either. In fact, it's come to my attention that I have a more intimate relationship with my snooze button than I do my husband. The snooze button. What I once considered a ridiculous alarm clock feature, meant to promote laziness and annoying noise, used solely by the unambitious and unmotivated slugs of this world, I now consider to be my greatest coping skill / best friend. My snooze button fills a void in me that I didn't even know I had. It allows my still-exhausted mind to escape from the reality of morning in 8 minute intervals, which is sometimes the only escape that my full day will allow. I cherish those moments. I would Instagram those moments. (Don't judge, you people that take umpteen pictures of your DINNER every night. We get it. You ate. Here's your medal!)
And when I've finished dreaming of Chuck's luscious beard, and I've worn out the button on my snooze, and I've "showered" for work (I slept in... something had to be eliminated! Besides, I showered yesterday... wait, that was yesterday that I showered, right? Crap.), I pour myself a week's supply of Folgers, all creamed and sugared to perfection, and then I pray that traffic parts like the Red Sea for me as I make my journey to work, picking sleep from my eyes and rubbing pillow marks from my face along the way.
Then I work for 8 hours (just therapy... nothing mentally and emotionally exhausting or anything), come home, make a divine dinner... or chicken patties, clean up the dinner mess, attend meetings/sports/school events for the kids, do (I mean help) my kids with their homework, get them showered, snacked, and primed for bed, read them a book, say prayers, do tuck ins, and then I get to keep the baby up as late as possible so he'll sleep through the night (all the while prepping songs for church on Sunday morning, paying bills, picking up toys from around the house, pealing the dried boogers and baby food off my shoulders and out of my hair, doing my devotions, returning all the emails and texts I missed throughout the day, and sitting down to write.... my personal favorite!)
But do I accomplish all of these things? No. And why is that? Because I don't have insomnia. I have kids. That's why. Some call it insanity, some call it survival. But I call it Motherhood.