Hate versus love. Loss versus abundance. Anguish versus joy. Fear versus peace. Despair versus hope. For every great feeling there is an equally intense opposite. In order to know the fullness of one, you must, at some point, experience its opposite. Throughout the past week, my husband and I lived through a plethora of heart-breaking emotions. When faced with the possibility of having your baby taken from you at a moment's notice, it's unreal how your entire world starts to swim; drown is more like it. The complete fear, devastation, and grief that washes over you feels like an all-consuming tidal wave threatening to ruin everything you've ever loved and wanted. The other things in life become foggy, the events of the day seem tortured with waiting for that one life-changing phone call.
Will my baby stay or will my baby leave me forever? Hate. Loss. Anguish. Fear. Despair. I experienced each of these strong emotions, along with so many more during this past week. One minute I wanted to cry, the next minute I felt too drained to shed a tear. I wanted to binge eat at one moment, and then I found myself hungry for nothing once I got to the fridge. The endless ups and downs were starting to take their toll. And finally the phone call came. My husband answered. I was on the phone with my parents, driving to work, as my husband's name flashed on my call-waiting. When I answered, he shared the news that my heart had been anxiously waiting for. The man in question is not our baby's father.
In that moment, I felt the full weight of each emotion as it drained from my body and was replaced by the opposite feelings. Love. Abundance. Joy. Peace. HOPE. And, in true woman form, I sobbed uncontrollably... and then I called my parents and brother and sobbed some more. Thankfully, they're weepers, too.
Even though I'm very much aware that this tumultuous process is not done with until we take that one final picture with the judge to celebrate Isaac's adoption, I am able to rest well tonight, knowing that my baby boy is right here with me, just where he's supposed to be. And once again, I count my blessings. One amazing husband, three amazing children, three insane dogs, a loving and supportive extended family, and a vast number of friends (and strangers) that will go out of their way to pray for a situation that they only just heard about. I love you all.
Will my baby stay or will my baby leave me forever? Hate. Loss. Anguish. Fear. Despair. I experienced each of these strong emotions, along with so many more during this past week. One minute I wanted to cry, the next minute I felt too drained to shed a tear. I wanted to binge eat at one moment, and then I found myself hungry for nothing once I got to the fridge. The endless ups and downs were starting to take their toll. And finally the phone call came. My husband answered. I was on the phone with my parents, driving to work, as my husband's name flashed on my call-waiting. When I answered, he shared the news that my heart had been anxiously waiting for. The man in question is not our baby's father.
In that moment, I felt the full weight of each emotion as it drained from my body and was replaced by the opposite feelings. Love. Abundance. Joy. Peace. HOPE. And, in true woman form, I sobbed uncontrollably... and then I called my parents and brother and sobbed some more. Thankfully, they're weepers, too.
Even though I'm very much aware that this tumultuous process is not done with until we take that one final picture with the judge to celebrate Isaac's adoption, I am able to rest well tonight, knowing that my baby boy is right here with me, just where he's supposed to be. And once again, I count my blessings. One amazing husband, three amazing children, three insane dogs, a loving and supportive extended family, and a vast number of friends (and strangers) that will go out of their way to pray for a situation that they only just heard about. I love you all.